The empty chair at the holiday table

At every holiday table, if you look closely, there is one chair more noticeable than all the rest — the one that stands empty. We try not to see it, we set the table as always, we joke a little louder than usual. But it is precisely this chair that makes the holiday what it truly is.

A holiday is a roll-call of the ones we love

We think holidays are about food, gifts, and a day off. But really they are about people: about who, this year, is sitting at the table. That is exactly why they gladden and wound at the same time. Every gathering is a quiet roll-call of those we love: someone was added this year, someone left forever. A holiday does not let us lie to ourselves about time. Once a year it honestly shows who is not yet at the table — and who is no longer.

An empty chair is not about death, but about the fact that love was there

There is a temptation to fear this chair, to pass over it in silence. But an empty place is the shadow of something very warm: it is empty exactly to the degree that it was once full. The only truly empty place is the one where no one ever was. Whoever left an empty chair behind also left proof: they were loved so much that their absence still weighs more than someone else’s presence. To grieve is the last form of loving.

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
— Helen Keller

My opinion: do not fear the empty chair at your table, and do not pretend it is not there. Pour for it too. Say its name aloud. Tell the children who sat there and how they laughed — for a person lives exactly as long as they are remembered and spoken of. And while the table is still full, look closely at those who are in their places today. One day someone’s chair will empty — perhaps your own. The only thing you can do about that now is not to postpone your love for those still near. That is what a holiday is for: so that at least once a year we lift our eyes from the fuss and see who we have been given. While we have been given them.